Are You Micro-dosing on Shame & Blame?
You probably are. Like many in our society, the insidious word "should" subtly directs your life and corrodes your heart, obscuring your innate wisdom. But we can learn a different way. Becoming Emotionally Powerful Internally Connected (EPIC) is rooted in individual choice, and understanding the insidious nature of "should" is a crucial step. Do you agree?
The word "should" operates as a subtle, yet potent, form of cognitive distortion. I often refer to them as thinking traps. In psychology, these distortions are thought patterns that deviate from reality, leading to emotional dysregulation—in simpler terms, difficulty managing your emotional responses to life's experiences.
Do you experience disappointment, uncertainty, or jealousy when faced with new, difficult, or upsetting situations? Of course! We're designed to have emotional responses to both our internal and external lives. Our internal lives are the narratives we create, while our external lives are our experiences with the environment. The goal is to increase our emotional intelligence by regulating ourselves. What that means is , reducing the intensity of the unpleasant feelings and amplify desired ones. That’s emotional regulation! We can't "hack" our way out of difficult emotions and yet we can regulate ourselves by learning the practice of becoming EPIC.
"Should" is particularly insidious because it masquerades as helpful guidance. How often do you ask, "What should I make for dinner?" “Should I go to the gym?” ”I'm not sure what I should do," or "I shouldn't care so much"? These questions and statements are relatable, but when answered without a clear sense of our internal "why," we operate from an external source. Over time this creates less connection to ourselves which erodes our ability to trust ourselves as capable and powerful. We shame ourselves for what we "should have done" and blame others for what "shouldn't have happened."
"Should" is often an learned maladaptive coping mechanism, trying to regulate disappointment and uncertainty.
To move beyond "should," consider these alternatives:
"I choose to..."
"I prefer to..."
"What do I want?"
"What do I need?"
"What are my options?"
Understanding the roots of "should" can also help:
Fear of judgment.
Societal expectations.
Upbringing and parental influences.
Internalized beliefs about perfectionism.
Remember:
While "should" can have ethical uses, its misuse can lead to self-criticism, self abandonment and self rejection
Practice self-connection, self-recognition and self-compassion and to lessen the power of "should" statements
Replacing the word should supports our ability to practice the steps of becoming Emotionally Powerful Internally Connected (EPIC). Follow along for more insights for becoming EPIC.